実家での回想録1
9月17日から10月2日までの間、とある理由から実家に帰省することになった。2019年以来の帰省。当時家庭内のいざこざやCOVID-19の蔓延により、実家との関係は疎遠になっていた。連絡を取ると父と母は快く私を迎え入れてくれた。二人は私がどうしているか心配し、私は連絡をしなかったことを謝り、疎遠になった理由を話した。しかしながら、2019年は家庭や世間、そして私個人の出来事が重なったこともあり、理由を一言で括れないように感じられた。その時はそのように成るべくしてなったのだと思えた。
実のところ、私も帰省する日まで心の片隅で実家の家族について、どうしているのか日頃より心配でいた。そして、当時着手しつつも果たせなかったことがまだ実家のそこに残っていた。意外な成り行きの帰省ではあったけれど、今回は当時の続きする良い機会のように思えた。
実際に父と母に会うと二人とも健在で、それぞれに目標があり、むしろ数年前より活き活きとした生活を営んでいるようで安堵した。当時の家庭の事情も世間の出来事も私自身の心情すらも、私が思っていたよりも収束し、それぞれちょうど良い着地点が見つけられたようだった。新たに加わった犬1匹、猫の親子2匹のおかげもあるのかもしれない。
しばらくの間玄関のベンチに座り、残暑の蝉が鳴く生まれ故郷の空気を吸った。そこで長らく見ていなかった実際の故郷の風景と数年前より止まっている記憶の中の風景を照らし合わせ、変わったこと、そして変わらないでいることについてひとつずつ丁寧に考えていた。目を閉じたまま、目の前にある『今』という陶器の器の輪郭を手の感触を頼りに確かめるように、これまでの半生と現在とを結び付けようとした。
–
“Memoirs of my parents’ house from September 17th to October 2nd” I
Due to certain reasons, I returned to my parents’ house between September 17th and October 2nd. It was my first homecoming since 2019. At the time in 2019, my relationship with them had become estranged to due to internal and external conflicts at my parents’ house and the impact of COVID-19 in society. When I contacted them, my parents welcomed me. They said they had been worried about how I’ve been doing, I apologized to them for not contacting them, and I explained why I think I became estranged. However, at the time, my family circumstances, COVID-19, and my own personal events all came together, so I couldn’t say only one definitive reason. Now that I think about it, it might just meant to happen that way.
To be honest, until the day I returned my parents’ house, I was worried about my family in the back of my mind. Also, there were still things I had to do that had been put on hold from 2019. Although my return parents’ house came about unexpectedly for me too, this time seemed like a good opportunity to finish them.
When I actually met my father and mother, both of them were alive and well, and each had their own goals, and I felt that they were living a more lively life than they had a few years ago. I felt relieved to see that. The family disputes at the time were not resolved completely, but it seemed that each of them had found a good end point. And other things seemed to have settled more than I had expected. It might be also thanks to the new dog and two cats, a mother and her child.
I sat on a bench in the entrance for a while, breathing in the air of my hometown where the cicadas were chirping in the lingering heat of summer.There I compared the actual scenery of my hometown which I hadn’t seen in a long time, with the scenery in my memory which had stopped several years ago, and carefully thought about one by one the things that had changed and the things that had remained the same. I was trying to connect the half my life with the present like one line, as if tracing the outline of the ceramic vessel called “the present” before me with my hands with my eyes closed.