Blog year / 2024
ドローイングデイズ
実家からの帰省後、ドローイング、ドローイング、ドローイング。
ドローイングのラッシュ。手も、足も、頭も、体全体目まぐるしい。
もっと、もっとドローイング。ヨーゼフ・ボイスのように。それらが今の私のアーカイブになる。
ドローイングのデイズ。
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“Days of drawing”
After returning home from my parents’ house, I draw, draw and draw.
Rush hours of drawings. My hands, feet, head and whole body are dizzying.
More and more, I’ll continue to draw. Like Joseph Beuys. These will become archives of my current self in the future.
Days of drawing.
実家での回想録2
今回の帰省をしたもう一つの理由があった。それは自分の作品を見返すこと。
ちょうど私は絵の指標が定まりつつある感覚があり、今一度これまで私が考えてきたこと、描いてきたものに触れ、今持っている感覚と過去の私の根っこにある感覚を照らし合わせ、それらを再確認する必要があった。今回の思いがけない帰省はそれも含めて私が帰る理由だったのだろう。
2019年に頓挫した作品整理を再開し、掃除を進めて行きながら、私の全ての作品に目を通した。両親が残しておいてくれた幼少期の作品から、絵を描くことに自発的に取り組み始めた小学校高学年の頃から中学校時代の作品、高校生時代の絵画スクールに通っていた作品とその課題以外で作った作品、大学時代の作品、それらすべてが実家に残っていた。記憶にある作品、存在すら忘れていた作品があった。描きかけの油絵も、粗末な広告の後ろに描いたドローイングも、ノートに残したワンセンテンスの言葉も、パフォーマンスのビデオも、当時の私の手元に集まってきた物たちも、それらすべては私の人生そのものだった。それらを一通り目を通し、作品ごとにあった出来事とその作品を作る気持ちと姿勢を思い出した。当時何を感じ何を考えていたのか。私のこれまでの歩みを作品を通じて回想した。
それは私のイメージの源泉を辿る旅であったと思う。素朴な観察眼を持った少年時代から、表現の領域に足を踏み込んだ青年期を経て、改めて今私が望む、なりたい私の像とこれから作るべき作品を思い浮かべた。掃除と作品整理は思いの外大変で、私は埃まみれになったが、私の大切な宝物を見つけられたかと思う。
それを再び携えて生きてゆこうと思う。
おはよう、今日もよろしく、私たちよ。
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“Memoirs of my parents’ house from September 17th to October 2nd” Ⅱ
There was another reason why I went back to my parents’ house this time. That was what I looked back at my own artworks.
I had just felt like I’m starting to get a sense of what my painting should be like, so I needed to look back once again at what I had thought and drawn up until then, compare my current feelings with the feelings that lay at the root of my past self, and reconfirm them. I guess that was one of the reasons why I decided to go back to my parents’ house this time unexpectedly.
I resumed the organization of my works and cleaning rooms that had come to a halt in 2019, and I looked through all of my works. My childhood works that my parents had left behind, works from the upper grades of elementary school to junior high school when I first began to take up drawing on my own initiative, works from art school in high school and works I created outside of my assignments, and works from my university days - all fo them were left at my parents’ house. Among them were some works I had remembered and some I had forgotten even existed. An unfinished oil paintings, drawings I’d done on the back of a crude advertisement, a single sentence I’d written in a notebook, a video of a performance, and all of the things that I had gathered at the time - all of them were my life itself. I looked through them and recalled the occurred events when I created each work, as well as my feelings and attitude that went into creating them. What was I feeling and thinking at the time? I looked back on my journey through my works.
It was like a journey tracing the source of my images. From my childhood when I had looked through the naive eyes, through my youth when I stepped into the realm of expression in art world, I once again thought about the person I want to become and the works I should create in the future. Cleaning and organizing works was much harder than I expected and I had gotten covered in dust, but I think I was able to find my precious treasure from among them.
I am going to carry in my hand again and live my life.
Hello again, us.
実家での回想録1
9月17日から10月2日までの間、とある理由から実家に帰省することになった。2019年以来の帰省。当時家庭内のいざこざやCOVID-19の蔓延により、実家との関係は疎遠になっていた。連絡を取ると父と母は快く私を迎え入れてくれた。二人は私がどうしているか心配し、私は連絡をしなかったことを謝り、疎遠になった理由を話した。しかしながら、2019年は家庭や世間、そして私個人の出来事が重なったこともあり、理由を一言で括れないように感じられた。その時はそのように成るべくしてなったのだと思えた。
実のところ、私も帰省する日まで心の片隅で実家の家族について、どうしているのか日頃より心配でいた。そして、当時着手しつつも果たせなかったことがまだ実家のそこに残っていた。意外な成り行きの帰省ではあったけれど、今回は当時の続きする良い機会のように思えた。
実際に父と母に会うと二人とも健在で、それぞれに目標があり、むしろ数年前より活き活きとした生活を営んでいるようで安堵した。当時の家庭の事情も世間の出来事も私自身の心情すらも、私が思っていたよりも収束し、それぞれちょうど良い着地点が見つけられたようだった。新たに加わった犬1匹、猫の親子2匹のおかげもあるのかもしれない。
しばらくの間玄関のベンチに座り、残暑の蝉が鳴く生まれ故郷の空気を吸った。そこで長らく見ていなかった実際の故郷の風景と数年前より止まっている記憶の中の風景を照らし合わせ、変わったこと、そして変わらないでいることについてひとつずつ丁寧に考えていた。目を閉じたまま、目の前にある『今』という陶器の器の輪郭を手の感触を頼りに確かめるように、これまでの半生と現在とを結び付けようとした。
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“Memoirs of my parents’ house from September 17th to October 2nd” I
Due to certain reasons, I returned to my parents’ house between September 17th and October 2nd. It was my first homecoming since 2019. At the time in 2019, my relationship with them had become estranged to due to internal and external conflicts at my parents’ house and the impact of COVID-19 in society. When I contacted them, my parents welcomed me. They said they had been worried about how I’ve been doing, I apologized to them for not contacting them, and I explained why I think I became estranged. However, at the time, my family circumstances, COVID-19, and my own personal events all came together, so I couldn’t say only one definitive reason. Now that I think about it, it might just meant to happen that way.
To be honest, until the day I returned my parents’ house, I was worried about my family in the back of my mind. Also, there were still things I had to do that had been put on hold from 2019. Although my return parents’ house came about unexpectedly for me too, this time seemed like a good opportunity to finish them.
When I actually met my father and mother, both of them were alive and well, and each had their own goals, and I felt that they were living a more lively life than they had a few years ago. I felt relieved to see that. The family disputes at the time were not resolved completely, but it seemed that each of them had found a good end point. And other things seemed to have settled more than I had expected. It might be also thanks to the new dog and two cats, a mother and her child.
I sat on a bench in the entrance for a while, breathing in the air of my hometown where the cicadas were chirping in the lingering heat of summer.There I compared the actual scenery of my hometown which I hadn’t seen in a long time, with the scenery in my memory which had stopped several years ago, and carefully thought about one by one the things that had changed and the things that had remained the same. I was trying to connect the half my life with the present like one line, as if tracing the outline of the ceramic vessel called “the present” before me with my hands with my eyes closed.